Rape II

This is getting weird.
I've had the joy of discussing what I'd call morning sex on Twitter yet again.

Before we get to that let me explain a few things call it establishing credentials:

Yes I really did get the chance to help convict the rapist of a girl I knew, and yes I was horribly aware of what it did to her.

I do sometimes get blocked by people on Twitter because I will sometimes point out to people that continually making rape jokes adds to a culture where rape is taken lightly and a bit of a joke. They don't tend to like it when I do this. I get arguments about free speech back and told I can't take a joke.

I have a tumblr account in which I've posted a couple of items pointing out things like the problems women face reporting a rape and being taken seriously, or that in some school playgrounds kids have modified "tag" games to "rape" games ... See my comment on joking about rape all the time above.

So I like to think of myself fairly well placed on the side of trying to nudge the world to a place with a lot less rape in it. I'm not in the "I never think about it" set. I think I'm quite firmly in the "Oy! Maybe think a bit about the rape culture you're perpetuating mate" set.

However! Back to Twitter judgement on rape & morning sex...

I am .. apparently .. a multiple rapist.
I have in my long past, had morning sex a few times, with an established lover, without first waking them up and asking them, or asking them the night before if it would be ok. This. In the black & white judgemental world of Twitter labels me 100% a rapist with no room for argument.

I'm a little upset by this.

I've pointed out that morning sex isn't with a partner that's asleep the whole time. In fact your partner will normally wake up very early on in the process, and have plenty of time to tell you to sod off. Yup. I've been told to pack it in before and have. That's life. It's not like I'm trying to force myself on my lover here, I just thought it might be nice. Most of the time it seems to go down rather well actually. You end up with a lover who feels cherished and wanted from breakfast onwards. Not a bad start to the day .. and pretty much totally at the opposite end of oppressing women.

That doesn't matter. The Twitter lords hath spoken. I didn't get consent. It was rape.

So then I point out, they woke up, didn't say no at all (I'd stop if they did .. see above), and everything seemed to go fine ... Is that rape then oh experts of Twitter?

YES. That's rape. How can I not understand this? I did not get prior consent!

Hmm ... Ok. So what if this morning sex happened .. and she was fine about it, no complaints during or after?

Ah .. in that case. I'm a 'lucky' rapist.

Apparently, I could do that .. with the best intentions in the world, and that woman could still decide a day or so later to go to the police and report a rape. That's her right as a woman who had sex without giving explicit consent.

Oh!

So I'm sat here today with a new found knowledge. I am in fact a multiple rapist according to the people I keep clashing with on Twitter. I have no excuse, I have in actual fact committed rape several times in my life, and I'm only lucky none of those women decided to report it as rape days later despite saying nothing to me about it. Had they chosen to? I should be charged as a rapist, and presumably put on a sex offenders register and jailed.

That's not exactly what you want to find out about yourself is it?
It's also the first time in my entire life I find myself having trouble staying on the same side as the "No means No" brigade. As I see it? I've only intended good things for the girls involved. There's no hint of malice in wanting a woman to feel loved and cherished all day. I don't feel like a rapist. Yet I am one. I'm still not sure how that works, but that's the message I've had several times now...

Odd. And rather unpleasant.

Sat and thought about this post for a few minutes and wanted to add this:

The sad thing is. The people who seem quite happy to label me a multiple rapist because of the above will think "Good. He has realised he's a rapist" ... Without thinking ... "Why are we labelling a guy who supports women's rights, has never forced himself on a woman, and always without fail stopped if need be a rapist?"

It's pretty darn offensive actually from where I'm sitting. Women's rights for me now have a problem. An innocent man can be labelled a rapist apparently when no intent to commit, or knowledge that a rape has been committed has occurred. That seems deeply unfair and wrong to me. I don't care how hard you stamp your foot and point at your simple definition of rape. I still don't think I'm a rapist.

[For the sake of clarity: I'm well aware that the UK definition of rape includes for the fact that the defendants belief consent was given can be a valid defence, and that in most cases I believe that would be for the jury to decide. Not some self appointed expert on Twitter. The point of this little piece is to point out how utterly nuts the rape debate has become in recent days. If you don't understand the laws on rape, don't go calling people multiple rapists! It's bloody annoying!]